On Facebook I recently posted an introspective thought.
In the post I said something like “Can I love myself in the midst of challenge and difficulty.” (BTW, I purposely wrote that sentence without a question mark at the end of it.) The post generated a lot of comments.
From the responses, I realized the heart of my question was missed. Some people thought I was currently faced a challenge that left me in a struggle with my self-esteem. Someone thought I was saying something about my inability to love. As I read the comments I said to myself, “Wow my heartfelt comment was completely misunderstood.”
In the past being misunderstood was a painful experience. I am really happy to say this is no longer the case. This time the confusion allowed me an opportunity to communicate better.
This is what I have learned about the art of communicating: Whenever there is upset or confusion in the communication, it is simply the indicator that essential information is missing and more conversation is needed. Staying in the conversation longer and getting really curious about what the other person is saying, and what they are HEARING, is often the answer.
Haven’t you experienced being in a challenging conversation, going round and round on an issue, feeling frustrated because the other person is not hearing you or getting you? This experience can be so overwhelming it makes you want to cry. At least this scenario use to make me want to cry. But then something is said in the conversation and you realize that during the whole conversation you both have been talking about two different things. The realization that you are on two different pages usually brings a big sigh of relief to everyone. The tightness that had developed in your chest instantly disappears. The hurt of feeling unheard is washed way by clarity.
Often when we do not feel heard or understood the habit for many is to shut down and walk away from the conversation.
This choice is sure to leave you feeling dissatisfied or hurt, and the conversation incomplete. I use to do this all the time. If I was feeling misunderstood I would jump up and leave the room. Feeling seen and understood was so important to me that I would become easily overwhelmed and feel attacked when people didn’t understand me and agree with what I was saying.
Staying the room and in the conversation is a better choice. (Of course I am assuming that you are talking with sane people who are really interested in communicating.)
Today I know that in all those moments when I jumped up and left the room, I eliminated even the hope of being understood or heard. People can’t understand what we do not stay in the conversation long enough to effectively share. Staying in the conversation is an art that few people have mastered. Staying in the conversation means not just being invested in your point of view but also getting curious about the other person’s point of view and being committed enough to the conversation that you “check-in” to make sure that what the other person is hearing is indeed what you are saying, and vice versa.
This is a life tool that has turned being in deep and even difficult conversations a rewarding and often enjoyable experience for me. When you find yourself at an impasse in a conversation and you keep going round and round without getting any where here’s two things you can do:
- Check-in with yourself first. Silently inside yourself, ask yourself if you really WANT to hear what this person is saying. Ask yourself if it is okay if the two of you see things differently. Ask yourself what about this conversation is challenging or hurtful. What you discover will effect how you continue the conversation.
- Get really curious. Start “checking-in”. Ask the other person to tell you, in their own words, what they have heard you are say. You will be surprised that often what we say and what someone hears is different. This happens as a matter of course between us humans. The only way to avoid this common pitfall is to get curious and “check-in”. When we enter a conversation curious and interesting in the other person–willing to hear and understand their point of view—we practice the art of communication. When we don’t we practice the art of miscommunication.
Let’s live life triumphantly,
Tina
